


Professor MortlDove

by Khartoum_5



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angsty Harry Potter, Crack, Drama queen Voldemort, Gen, Humor, Mostly accurate Arabic, No beta we wright like mne, The Author Regrets Nothing, Voldemort is an Arabic teacher
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23246677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khartoum_5/pseuds/Khartoum_5
Summary: After the nightmare that was the summer after Cedric's death, Harry Potter thought his life could not get any worse. Then he met the new Defense teacher.Professor MortlDove is a smug, arrogant, evil git. He always picks on Harry in class and has a very unhealthy obsession with Arabic. Instead of teaching latin spells like a normal person he starts forcing Hogwarts to master Arabic within a few months. Infuriatingly, his unconventional methods were stupidly effective on Harry. (At least Lockhart had the decency to be incompetent.) Despite his obvious sadistic tendencies towards Harry, he is well liked and even respected by the upper years.Oh and he's also Lord Voldemort but no one except Harry seems to notice or careCanon compliant until right before Umbridge is introduced as the DADA teacher.(The AU where Voldemort is an Arabic teacher for no discernible reason)
Relationships: Harry Potter & Voldemort, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Voldemort/Arabic Language
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. That's not Umbridge

**Author's Note:**

> I have probably the most eccentric Arabic teacher of all time. If Voldemort is out of character, it's because he's channelling him. I wrote the base for this some time ago while high on caffeine so make of that what you will.
> 
> Also also, I was wondering why the spells in HP are always in Latin. Like can't they be in some other ancient language like Sanskrit or Hebrew or... Arabic? And maybe each of the languages have their own strengths? Like, Sanskrit is good for charms, Latin is good for hexes etc.
> 
> So Voldemort figured out Arabic is excellent for DADA? And turns out he's better at being a teacher than a dark lord?

There was silence after the sorting hat finished its song.

_That was definitely a warning._

Harry sat numbly as Nearly Headless Nick murmured "The hat is honour bound to warn the school whenever it sees fit to do so " to Hermione.

As the first years began to get sorted, Harry looked up to the head table. Unlike the past few years, there was no new face to be found. However, Harry wasn't looking for the new teacher. He was trying to catch the eye of Professor Dumbledore. So far, not a twinkle had been sent in his direction. It was as if Dumbledore had never showed up to defend him against Fudge during his hearing.

What if Dumbledore didn't trust him?

Harry nervously grabbed a goblet near him and gulped down its contents.

_Well, even if he doesn't trust me, the least I can do is follow Hermione's lead and trust him._

Harry closed his eyes, savouring the familiar atmosphere of the Great Hall and the strangely satisfying tang of pumpkin juice in his mouth. For a moment, he could almost imagine that a crazed megalomaniac with a flair for drama wasn't after him. Almost.

He smiled slightly as he recalled how much he had been worrying about being expelled during the summer.

A terrified looking first year got sorted into Gryffindor and Harry clapped enthusiastically along with the rest of his table. Now that he knew for sure that Dumbledore had taken action against Voldemort by gathering the Order, he could relax, momentarily. After all, he was back where he truly belonged,his one and only home — Hogwarts. With no creepy old snake nazis chasing him.

"I wonder who our new defense teacher is going to be," said Hermione brightly as she bit into a custard tart.

"Gee I don't know, 'Mione. Maybe it'll be another one of my dad's long lost friends. Or even better, one of Voldemort's–" (Hermione flinched, Ron choked on a chicken bone) "–henchmen that was sent for the sole purpose of making sure I die."

Ron coughed and cleared his throat awkwardly. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when Dumbledore stood up, his blue eyes twinkling at everyone in the Great Hall.

_Except me_

Harry bitterly turned back to his plate, swallowing the anger that was always so quick to bubble to the surface these days. 

"Now that we have all been fed and watered, allow me to make a few regular start of term notices. The forbidden forest, as the name suggests, is off limits. Mr.Filch has reminded me to inform all of you to check and abide by the extensive list of school rules which can be found on his office door." Fred and George had identical evil grins on their faces. Harry tried not to laugh when he noticed nearly half the school (including the Slytherins) was staring at them. He idly stirred his soup, only half listening to the headmaster's words.

"We have a new professor on staff this year. He will be teaching Defense against the dark arts. I hope all of you will give Professor MortlDove a warm welcome when you meet him during lessons."

Murmurs rippled through the students. Where was this professor during the most important meal of the year?

There was a sudden flash of lightning, followed by the loud rumble of thunder. One of the more skittish first years screamed. The grand oak doors of the great Hall flew open and a hush fell over the students. A figure stood silhouetted at the doorway. It ominously strode forward. He was wearing a long turban reminiscent of Professor quirrel and flowing black robes that at first glance appeared to be a muggle Bedouin cosplay. Harry squinted at the elaborate embroidery on the sash that was tied around the figure's waist. It looked like protective runes that were written with many dots and loops. Harry's eyes travelled up to the man's face and he froze.

Bone white skin,blood red eyes and a snake nose. His thin lips curled into a sneer when he caught sight of Harry staring at him incredulously.

"Ah Professor MortlDove! Just in time!" Dumbledore beamed genially at Lord bloody Voldemort. Harry stood up. He knew that the entire school was staring at him curiously. He didn't care. He slowly raised his hand and pointed a shaking finger at 'Professor MortlDove'.

"THAT IS VOLDEMORT!"

The entire Hall gasped in unison. For one glorious moment, Harry thought the universe was finally going his way. Voldemort would be caught and given the Kiss and he would finally be freE–

_Are those idiots seriously more terrified by the sound of his name than the idea that he might actually be under their noses?_

Harry felt like burying his head into his arms. He turned to the head table where Dumbledore was looking at him with an odd expression.

"Professor Dumbledore, you gotta believe me, this is the guy that came out of the caudroun at the graveyard last year! I SAW HIM!"

A large,skeletal hand rested on his shoulder. Harry shuddered and whirled around in time to see an unhinged expression on Voldemort's before he said

"عفوا تأخرت قليلا يا أستاذ دمبلدور"

"SIR GET DOWN HE IS PROBABLY TRYING TO KILL YOU WITH AN EXOTIC CURSE!" Yelled Harry as he tried to surreptitiously steal the white wand tucked into Voldemort's fancy belt-sash-rune-thing.

Dumbledore merely looked amused at the whole situation. Harry blinked.

"Harry," Dumbedore began benignly, "Professor MortlDove was just apologising to me for being late to the feast. In Arabic" Harry blinked again. Dumbledore turned to the rest of the students.

"I was about to explain to all of you before Professor MortlDove graced us with his presence, but our new professor has spent many years studying defensive magic in Egypt, Turkey, Yemen and Saudi Arabia. He is more than qualified for the job, and may even teach you some extra spells that are not based in Latin! In fact , I do believe he is the most qualified wizard I have ever hired for the defense position..." Dumbledore's expression became nostalgic but Harry had had just about enough.

"PROFESSOR!" He bellowed "THIS GUY IS NOT PROFESSOR MORTLDOVE! HE IS LYING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SPEAK ENGLISH ! HE IS VOLDEMORT!" 

Voldemort laughed a high, cold laugh. "Ssilly boy, of coursse I can sspeak in Englissh! How elsse would I be able to teach at Hogwartss?"

Harry glared at him "That doesn't change the fact that you're Voldemort."

Dumbledore's smile somehow became even more patronising than before.

"Harry my boy, I have met Tom before. I think I would know Voldemort if I saw him"

"HE TOUCHED MY FACE AND SCREAMED NYEEEAH AT ME! I THINK YOU WOULD REMEMBER HIS FACE BETTER IF HE DID THAR TO YOU!"

Voldemort looked pained. "I apologisse if my appearancce hass frightened you with my pale skin and red eyes, Mr.Potter. I am a what do you call it? Albanian?"

"Albino." Harry corrected automatically before he caught the triumphant smirk on Voldemort's face.

_Dammit. I fell right into that one._

Harry straightened determinedly "Okay so you're an albino. How do you explain your lack of hair?"

Voldemort didn't even flinch.

"Wizarding Chemotherapy"

 _Is there even such a thing? Then again, Dumbledore is not interjecting so he must be talking about something real_.

Harry pulled out his trump card. "You can explain the rest away but why the hell do you not have a nose, Vol—"

"Merlin Harry!" Ron looked scandalised.

"You can't just ask someone why they don't have a nose!"

Voldemort laughed his high, cold laugh again.

"I don't mind, Mr.Potter. If you must know, it was a a simple case of a wizarding 'Got your nose' game gone wrong . My _dear_ father never stopped apologising for it and I find it adds to my intimidation factor. Though I must admit, it worked a little too well if I reminded you of this dark lord Volmot—who sounds like he is _incredibly_ handsome by the way."

Dumbledore twinkled again. "There you go, Harry. Tom wouldn't get his own name wrong. And he hates his father."

_But-but you could hear the sarcasm when he said my dear father._

Dumbledore beamed at a dumbfounded Harry as Hermione led him back to their seat. Harry sighed.

_This year won't be any different then._


	2. ض

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voldemort gives the fifth years a crash course on Arabic based magic. Harry, being the smart kid he is, antagonises a dark Lord and accidentally learns some Arabic from Professor MortlDove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arabic tcr: Do you know the answer to the question?
> 
> Me: *Gives answer that I worked really hard on*
> 
> Arabic tcr: A valiant effort...
> 
> Me: 8D
> 
> Arabic tcr: ...but you're wrong
> 
> Me: :(
> 
> The footnote is faulty :'(

It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping , and it was a perfect day for a quidditch match.

_Almost like the universe wants to emphasise that it doesn't care about my life._

"I can't believe Voldemort managed to slither his way into Hogwarts for the nth time and nobody seems to care," Harry grumbled as he accepted one of the timetables that was being passed to everyone. Ron looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Harry , mate, I don't know how to say this but Professor MortlDove is not You-Know-Who"

Harry bristled.

"Yeah? One, no one else has bone white skin and blood red eyes, two, MortlDove is the word Voldemort rearranged , and three, _his first name is Lord!_ Isn't that weird at the very least?!"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"For the last time Harry, I actually talked to Professor MortlDove and he knows his stuff. (She ignored Harry's _"because he mastered the darks arts!"_ ) "Besides, he hasn't even tried to kill you!"

"Yet." Harry added darkly under his breath.

"He said he'll be covering Ancient Arabic hexes and curses for fifth years and above, " She said dreamily. Harry groaned, but Hermione was on a roll.

"I've always wanted to learn Arabic. Professor MortlDove says it's a pity we only learn Latin in Hogwarts even though there are 4 Magic-Based languages."

Ron gagged. "It's like Lockhart all over again."

Harry nodded before remembering that he was supposed to be angry at Ron. Before he could think of a clever retort, Hermione butted in again.

"We have double period of Defense first thing today!" She informed them excitedly.

Harry groaned into his toast.

* * * *

"أهلا و… أهلا إلى فصلكم الأول للدفاع عن الفنون المظلومة يا طلبة.

["Welcome to your first defense against the dark arts class, students."] [[1](%E2%80%9C#note1%E2%80%9D)]

The entire class stared at him blankly.

Voldemort sighed, murmuring something that sounded suspiciously like 'idiots' and gave an imperceptible flick of his wrist. A single loopy character appeared on the blackboard behind him.

ض

"Now then, which of you can tell me what thiss iss?"

Hermione timidly raised her hand. Voldemort raised a hairless eyebrow at her.

"It's a letter from the Arabic alphabet, Professor."

"And?"

"It's pronounced dha dhi or dhu depending on circumstance," said Hermione, sticking her tongue out slightly with the effort of pronouncing it.

Professor MortlDove tutted.

"A valiant effort to pronouncce Ḍād from Misss Granger" he said, puckering his mouth (he didn't have lips) and stressing the 'd' as he said it.

Hermione turned pink and ducked her head.

"However, it is obvioussly the wrong pronunciation."

Hermione blushed harder. Voldemort clasped his hands behind his back.

"Ḍād iss uniquely a letter than can only be found in the Arabic language. It'ss disstinctive pronunciation caused Nomadic magess in the 5th century A.D to discover that adding it to incantations strengthened wardss and curssess. Of coursse I expect none of you even know the magical propertiess of Rare Conssonantss, given the… dissmal education you have been having in Defensse."

He paused and eyed the bewildered fifteen year olds in front of him with distaste.

"Is the ink and parchment in front of you just for show? If I am teaching I expect my students to be _learning_."

"Wow Voldemort, I didn't know you were this invested in my education. Could have fooled me with all the times you tried to kill me" Harry said loudly.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed into slits.

"Mr.Potter," he whispered, his voice sounding like a shout in the silence.

"I will ssee you in detention for the resst of the week."

He turned back to the class and continued as though nothing had happened.

"Now I'm ssure many of you have wondered why all the sspells you learn are in Latin. Do you think you can tell uss why they are not in, ssay, English, Mr Finnigan?"

Seamus looked up guiltily from whatever he had been doing (that was definitely not related to the class).

"English's not _magical_ enuff innit?" He said, provoking a few snickers from the class.

Professor MortlDove ( _Voldemort!_ Harry reminded himself) smiled widely.

"An excellent point, Mr.Finnigan! English iss a _muggle_ language–(Draco looked scandalised) –in other wordss, you need to have an incredible amount of power and intent to casst even a ssimple sspell in English. This is the reasson many mage-scholarss began ressearching the besst wayss to maximisse the magical potential of incantationss by creating new languagess for the ssake of magic. Latin iss one of the few languages that wass developed ssolely for the ssake of magic. Who can tell me the other 3? Mr.Potter?"

Voldemort fixed Harry with a Withering Look™ that clearly said _if-you-dare-do-anything-other-than-pretend-to-be-a-good-student-I-will-avada-you-evil-plan-be-damned_

Harry gulped.

"Er–it's Sanskrit, Hebrew and Arabic, right?" He said, mentally hugging Hermione for the long lecture on magical languages she had subjected him to the day before.

"Excellent, Mr.Potter! Now, in terms of defenssive and offenssive magic, Arabic spellss are hands down the besst to usse, becausse it was developed by actual Nomadic Warrior Magess. The only reasson none of you have heard of thisss iss becausse of long-forgotten fuedss between European and middle eastern magess along with the dissgusstingly lazy attitude your old teacherss had towardss teaching."

Harry had to (grudgingly) agree with Professor MortlDove's conclusion. The state of their defense class was a bad joke. Half the class couldn't accomplish a simple expelliarmus to save their life.

MortlDove smiled a bloodcurdling smile.

"Thiss week, we will masster the pronunciation of Arabic letterss and wordss, sstarting with Ḍād,ass it iss the mosst magically potent. Thosse who fail to meet the requirementss of each lesson will be joining Mr.Potter in detention."

There were a few outraged gasps from the class. Professor MortlDove eyed them all beadily.

"The three thingss that are needed for any ssort of magical act to be effective iss intent, magical power, and incantationss."

"Even nonverbal spellss rely on an intimate knowledge of pronunciation. If any of you fail to masster Arabic pronounciation, it iss as good as failing my classs. And _no one_ iss going to fail my classs" He said coldly

_That is so unfair!_

"Mr.Potter, if you would come to the front of the classs."

Harry jumped and slowly walked to where _Lord Bloody Voldemort_ was standing, feeling like he was walking to his execution.

"Now, Mr Potter will be demonsstrating the method to pronounce Ḍād."

"Er—i will?"

"The firsst sstep is to make ssure your tongue goess either to the left or the right of your mouth. It cannot face the front. When you pronounce it, only the middle part of your tongue sshould touch the roof of your mouth."

Harry complied, feeling a little stupid. Then he realised Voldemort was looking at him expectantly.

"I haven't got all day, Mr.Potter."

"OH um–Dhād?"

Voldemort sighed.

"You didn't possition your tongue correctly. Open your mouth, and tilt your tongue to the sside where you feel is besst to pronounce Ḍād. The rest of you, sstop gaping and gather around Mr.Potter. Thiss will be the only demonstration for Ḍād"

The class scrambled to the front. Harry stared incredulously at Voldemort who was casually twirling his wand while giving a Withering Look™ that clearly said _if-you-dont-open-your-mouth-now-rest-assured_that-you-will-never-open-your-mouth-again._

He slowly opened his mouth, hyper-aware that Malfoy was openly laughing at him and the entire class was staring.

"Now tilt your tongue— Merlin , not that far! Are you trying to sswallow your tongue? Okay, now make ssure only the midssection of your tongue touchess the roof of your mouth. Try ssaying Ḍād now."

"Ergh–Ḍād?"

Harry blinked.

"Ḍād.Ḍād."

It felt like a new taste, a new skill that he never knew he had. Harry was faintly aware of Ron giving him a thumbs up and Hermione crying with joy.

"Very good,Mr Potter . Now ssay it ten timess in ssuccesssion."

Harry smirked.

"ḌādḌādḌādḌādḌādḌādḌādḌādḌādḌād."

Professor MortlDove bared his teeth in a macabre smile.

"Now repeat after me. Ḍā Ḍi Ḍu baḌ Ḍu Ḍōnng Ḍōni ḌāḌnimal muḌnima Ḍee Ḍāng Ḍāni Ḍā."

Harry suppressed a groan.

_This is going to be one of those weeks isn't it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1]He was about to say the long version of welcome, Ahlan wa Sahlan, which loosely translates to "Welcome and may you find things easy". He stops and says "Ahlan wa … Ahlan" cos none of his lessons are gonna be easy lol.
> 
> My inability to add proper footnotes reminds me of my inability to please my Arab tcr who I'm fairly sure is also Voldemort in disguise. ;-;
> 
> Fun fact! ض really is as unique and distinctive as Voldemort says it is (other than the magic part lol). Many scholars in history referred to Arabic as 'The language of Ḍād' because it was that unique.
> 
> The thing Voldy makes Harry do is commonly used as a quick way of making sure you can read a letter when it's within any word or context. Like input any Arabic letter into this formula: __A __i __u ba__ __ū __ngg __ni __ __ na minal mu__ni ma __ee __ng __ani__ā and if you can read it you're good to go for pronunciation.
> 
> In case you were wondering why it's so hard to pronounce: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Voiced_pharyngealized_alveolar_stop.ogg

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear your comments and critiques.8D  
> .


End file.
